Richard Brobdingnagian's Treasure Trove of Molten Mammaries

Being Muslim means never having to say you're sorry

Tue, 31 Jan 2006 06:01:32 GMT

The Muslim world is in a frenzy over this Muhammad caricature nonstory. Just yesterday the Islamic Jihad and the al-Aqsa Martyrs' Brigade made not-so-veiled threats against any and all Nordic peoples currently residing within the Palestinian Territories. It is apparently some great twofold offense to both depict the marauding prophet, and to present him in a way that is impious (what ever that means).

Now, let me get this straight. This...

...is evil that must be censured.

While this...

(Qatar)

...is just plain ol' political commentary?

How about this...

(Saudi Arabia)

...just an opinion?

Or this...

(Egypt)

...Oh, no. That's just good clean antisemitic fun. That never hurt anyone.

BTW, where is the irony in using terroristic death threats to protest against Muhammad sporting a bomb-turban?
Meanwhile, Jews are protesting against antisemitic blood libels in 1.3 billion Muslim newspapers by sacrificing babies to exploding backpacks.

1/19 Tel Aviv Mayor's Schwarma Palestinian Suicide Bombing - 32 Injured, One serious

Fri, 20 Jan 2006 04:56:09 GMT

Republished without permission from the New York Times / Gil Cohen Magen for Reuters

The story goes: a man buys a straw hat from his neighbor. He undoes the skein of straw and weaves himself a hut. The neighbor, witnessing this feat, comes by, knocks on the door, and demands his hat back.

The man refuses. So the neighbor kills his six month old baby girl with a backpack full of explosives and rusty nails.

You know the rest.

To Palestinian butchers of innocent children:
Every dead little girl fills us will love. With passion. We coalesce, and grow.
We will get through this. As we always have. As we always will.

Death By Shekem

Sun, 08 Jan 2006 05:40:55 GMT

[Click To Enlarge]

This my brother Tal.
He's not really a Shekemist.

At least not yet.

-n.

Promise You're Not Spying On Me? Cross Your Heart?: A Rejoinder

Fri, 06 Jan 2006 19:00:09 GMT

Finally, the Big question has been answered: "A senior U.S. intelligence official told CNN on Thursday that the National Security Agency did not target CNN's chief international correspondent Christiane Amanpour or any other CNN journalist for surveillance."

Phew!!

I was getting worried there for a moment! Well, I guess that's that.
Now back to grazing and being docile.

First, though, how about everyone read this article from the New York Times on how the NSA contends it was auto-empowered by 9/11 to expand its already juiced-up predilection for spying to include domestic targets "without a formal directive from President Bush."
So the NSA is so high on WTC dust that it initiates clandestine surveillance operations that were not approved by the executive branch and aren't being overseen by anyone in congress, and CNN thinks a hard investigation into Amanpourgate amounts to cold-calling a spook??

Actually, AMERICAblog has the definitive word on this Brave New World journalism.
But I will say this: when the situation has gotten so bad, that the mouth is asking the ear what to say -- we're in big fucking trouble.

-n.

Yeah, And The Pear of Anguish is Just A Healthy Snack: A Rejoinder

Fri, 06 Jan 2006 07:47:57 GMT

Bad news, kids. Looks like Bush is up to no good again (what, has it been five minutes already??).

Seems Bush has not only reserved the right to out and out ignore the newly drafted ban on torture, but that clause he had put in? The one where he promises not to engage in cruel, degrading and inhumane activities so long as the so-called "enemy combatants" detained in holding facilities that fall under American jurisdiction won't be allowed to challenge their epic detention in federal courts? Well, he's already all over that.
So looks like it's non-lubricated sodomy all around: torture will march on unabated (eitherway, who needs to worry about euphemizing the water cure when there are so many other countries willing to do our dirty laundry), and now whatever injustices take place behind closed doors at Camp My-Way (meaning, aside from the overt -- being held in perpetuity without charges) can't even be brought to the attention of the proper authorities.

After his signing of the McCain Amendment, the media reported on the matter by suggesting Bush had somehow lost in doing so.
I strongly beg to differ.
Not only did Bush sign a torture ban which he presumably never intended to enforce, and which was completely overridden by his administration's redefinition of torture; but Bush even managed to win yet another autocratic fulcrum in the process.

I dare you to be surprised by this.

-n.

Last Year Was One Big Racket. this year we fly right

Sun, 01 Jan 2006 05:35:23 GMT

In case you were wondering (not that I have reason to believe you were), that's a Far Side collectible mug on the windowsill, with this classic Larsonian gag on it.

Yulia, may her remaining days know not but pox and shame, has since broken it.

-n.

this is more about things re-ending, than things re-beginning.

Sun, 01 Jan 2006 05:11:16 GMT

'05, out; '05 plus one, in.

good luck.
-n.

Quietly waiting for the Next Big Thing.

Sun, 01 Jan 2006 02:34:01 GMT

"Come home Darlin' /
Come home quickly /
Come home Darlin' /
All is forgiven /
So come home quickly."

Reading Between the Lyings: 5 - Golden Oldie

Sat, 31 Dec 2005 03:06:56 GMT

"See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda."

-- President George Bush discussing his method for effective agenda promotion to an audience at a "Social Security Conversation" in New York, 24 May, 2005
[LINK]

Fri, 30 Dec 2005 06:38:00 GMT

Hitler Swims the Lethe, As The Personification of Blood Libel Looks On

To Mahmoud Ahmadinejad,
Mohamed Mahdi Akef,
and the world that keeps silent as it burns.

Polls Don't Lie: A Rejoinder

Thu, 29 Dec 2005 08:12:18 GMT

Newspeaking gadfly Michelle "how to tell your friends from the Japs" Malkin, in a recent entry on her blog o' bog, shows off her trademark specious reasoning skills: according to Malkin, a recent poll administered by Rasmussen finds that "America is OK" with President Bush's unwarranted domestic spying program operated by Never Say Anything. Interestingly enough, the Rasmussen poll indicates nothing of the sort. Let's look at what it really says:

"Sixty-four percent (64%) of Americans believe the National Security Agency (NSA) should be allowed to intercept telephone conversations between terrorism suspects in other countries and people living in the United States."

For Malkin, making the mental leap from 64% of Americans agreeing that terrorist activities should be monitored, to 64% of Americans agreeing to let Big Brother Bush tap into their private phone calls is a no-brainer. That is, it only makes sense when you have no brain.

Malkin further makes sure not to embolden the parts of this poll which make her sophistic arguments less sweeping:

"Sixty-eight percent (68%) of Americans say they are following the NSA story somewhat or very closely."

In other words, 32% of Americans are UTTERLY out of the loop on this whole All-Seeing-Eye scandal to begin with -- they shouldn't even be answering this poll! That's half of those who said spying was alright by them! If only 32% of those who are at least SOMEWHAT aware of the world which surrounds them responded favorably to Rasmussen's suspiciously worded semi-leading questionnaire then this whole civics exercise becomes painfully moot.

Finally, Malkin does a jig around this last stat, the worst of this poll's hokum:

"Just 26% believe President Bush is the first to authorize a program like the one currently in the news. Forty-eight percent (48%) say he is not while 26% are not sure."

First off, whether a majority of the people "believes" something to be true or not has never, in and of itself, transformed that thing into fact. Second, Bush being "the first to authorize a program like the one currently in the news" is entirely too vague. If the pollsters are referring to a program in which the executive branch ordered an intelligence agency to perform unwarranted domestic spying, Bush is indeed not the first. That would be Republican party mascot, shamed former-president Richard M. Nixon. But Bush is the first (despite what some may be saying) to authorize a surveillance program which circumvents the laws put in place to prevent such executive power perversion from reoccurring, and that is what is being discussed in the news.

All in all, whether Bush's program is unique or not is completely irrelevant. The last president who showed such wholesale contempt for legal protections put in place to prevent the warrant-less wiretapping of American civilians was impeached. Malkin and her circle-jerk of reactionary phonies would like nothing more than to have you believe everything they say without contest. They live in an America where polls that don't prove their point prove their point. They live in an America where the government holds a glass to your door and calls it keeping you safe. They live in an America that neither asks questions, nor expects answers. That is not the America that I live in; that is not the America you should live in either.

-n.

Wed, 28 Dec 2005 02:34:54 GMT

The award for most obnoxious headline accompanying Oprah's recent mid-air collision with a bird goes to Yahoo! News.

Keep telling it how it is, guys.

WARNING: the following requires reading

Wed, 28 Dec 2005 02:34:27 GMT

Reuters is reporting that George "is our children learning?" Bush is spending some of his time off from being a stick in the spokes of humanity supposedly reading a couple books. In response to a question on whether Prez has managed to figure out that those squiggly little marks on the pages are letters, White House yesman Trent Duffy was quoted as saying that Prez is actually a "history buff" and an "avid reader." No comment from Duffy on whether Prez prefers CliffsNotes or SparkNotes.
Also, Prez an Avid reader? Please. Going over The Very Hungry Caterpillar 300 times doesn't constitute reading that many separate books.

In two unmistakably related stories, literacy is big-time declining, and libraries are now "safe harbors for terrorists."

-n.

Tue, 27 Dec 2005 08:08:24 GMT

JB! Are you OKAY?

Tue, 27 Dec 2005 08:05:07 GMT

Yep. I'm rockin' out.

Land of the Creepy Fucks / Plus - The Suicide of Reason: A Rejoinder

Tue, 27 Dec 2005 07:56:58 GMT

Saw Paradise Now tonight at the Landmark. Good acting, great cinematography, but the plotline suffers from being so removed from reality, that I thoroughly expected at some point a UFO to crashland into the home of the protagonist, a scaly-yet-hugable alien to emerge from the cockpit, and their vulgar-yet-suggestive friendship to overcome all obstacles. That didn't happen. But the shit that did happen made me want to take a fierce realignment swing at the director of this film for his obscene portrayal of all Palestinians as victims ad infinitum and all Israelis as metasoldiers -- that is, militancy not limited to service in the military. This half-assed anomalous confabulation of a flak-flick is replete with indoctrinating monologues charging all Israelis with indulging in a ravenous sanguine-Schadenfreude at the mere mention of Palestinian plight.

The action takes place as if in a vacuum, where the conflict seemingly began but moments before the opening scenes were shot. Palestinians have been minding their own business for decades, according to this revisionist claptrap, while barbarous Israelis randomly maraud the homes of the poor and passive citizenry of the sovereign nation of Palestine (by the way, where is this Brigadoon exactly?). Of the more compelling diatribes, I found the "Israel has no morals" lyrical shitstorm to be the most offensive. A suicide bomber, on his way to destroy dozens, if not hundreds of innocent men, women, children, and babies who will never comprehend the unparalleled injustice of a life gone too quick, has the villainous gall to attack THE ONLY TRUE MIDDLE-EASTERN DEMOCRACY for "lacking in morals"?! More shameful a display I could hardly pretend to fathom. As if that wasn't enough pretentious rancor for one roll of celluloid, his bottom-feeding comrade later expels a load of oral-BM so noxious I thought I was being smoked out of the theater. He rabidly exclaims, as his reason for wanting to go ahead with the suicide mission, the unabatable malfeasance of Israel as a perpetual oppressor, forever confining him to the West Bank, his home -- nay, his brig. Not surprisingly, no word on the two-decade Hashemite-occupation of the West Bank (1949-1967), during which scores of Palestinian fedayeen attacks targeted Israeli civilians residing within the narrow borders of the 1949 Armistice Agreements signed following the Arab rejectionist war against Jews living in legitimate UN-sanctioned territories previously belonging to the United Kingdom. Moreover, nothing on the fact that during the time of Jordan's occupation of the West Bank the Palestinians were granted automatic Jordanian citizenship, which most decided not to exercise in favor of remaining in refugee camps so as to receive UN subsidized care. Neither (expectedly, of course) was there any mention of the truly stockade-like maltreatment of Palestinians by Egyptians when the latter controlled the Gaza strip prior to the Egypt-led Six Day War with Israel. Perhaps the most heinous sin of omission, however, is with regards to the 1951 Palestinian assassinations of Jordan's King Abdullah I and Lebanese PM Riad Bey al-Solh, both of whom were in peace treaty discussions with Israel at the time. Meanwhile, the heroes of this schlock-mockumentary lament the inability of Israel to negotiate for a peaceful resolution to the strife, unabashedly spitting in the face of desperate Israeli attempts to reach suitable bilateral agreements, most recently in the 2000 Camp David summit, when then-Israeli PM Ehud Barak conceded to nearly all Palestinian demands, including a Palestinian capital in Jerusalem, to which then-Palestinian Authority Chairman Yasser Arafat responded by walking away without so much as a counterproposal.

The half-baked demagoguery of this cinematic vomitorium coupled with rapid-fire fabrications and duplicities nefariously embezzle the unassuming expectation of theater patrons to get the full scope of this inexorable conflict's "other side," true to life, with luridness and uneasiness to boot. If, after all this time, Palestinians, even the most forward-thinking (as artists supposedly are), can't seem to own up to their own indiscretions, not one iota, instead frittering away a perfectly good opportunity to lay the groundwork for appeasement on a tired, empty, and ultimately misleading canard of unprovoked Israeli belligerence, then we are as far away from peace today as we have ever been.

-n.

One Pagan Moondance Down, One to Go

Mon, 26 Dec 2005 03:02:22 GMT

Well, Christmas '05 has officially quit, and if that weren't bad enough, this year what ever filament of whimsy was yet left in the world has been indignantly quashed by a definitive ABC News exposé on the unlikelihood of Santa. Damn liberal media.

On a lighter note, Hanukkah celebrations commenced this evening with the traditional lighting of the first of eight Holiday Menorah candles. Meanwhile, sock, sweater and quirky pencil eraser profits were scheduled to make their annual ascent in to the black, ahead of the collective week-long hemming and hawing of Jewish children everywhere, which similarly begins tonight.

-n.

Sun, 25 Dec 2005 08:14:16 GMT

Saw You Through Cold

Well, it seems Santa's just invaded North American airspace. Only a matter of time now before he shimmies down the chimneys of good little boys and girls to deliver their iPods and iZs and iJack-Rabbits and other iWhatnots. I'm Jewish so I don't get any jolly favors for being nice. All I get is generations of persecution, victimization and PETA comparing the ethnic cleansing of my brethren to the maltreatment of animals.
Suddenly getting a lump of coal in your stocking isn't looking too bad, is it?

I wouldn't say it's all lousy. We do get some pretty wacky conspiracies thrust on us that make us look pretty damn cunning. I will say this though, if that Elders of Zion yarn turns out to be true, I'd like to know where my share of the loot is. And don't give me none of that "check's in the mail" bullshit neither.

-n.

Got My Johnson All Bothered

Sun, 25 Dec 2005 02:26:41 GMT

"Look what you did to me /
And my wisdom teeth /
Your lips were too sweet /
And they left me with cavities."

It's Christmas Everywhere, Except Where it Ain't

Sun, 25 Dec 2005 01:51:50 GMT

Well, it's Christmas eve. Time to gather round the electric oven, sing Christmas carols from start to finish, not just the parts that support our fantastical perspective, and reflect on true meaning of this joyous holiday: the poor getting poorer, the rich getting richer, and the increasing obesity of middle-class consumer whorism which threatens to implode the entire American economic system. Oh, and the birth of Jesus, who was apparently too busy taking credit for the heroism of others to stop by and give John Gibson a well-deserved karate-chop to the ol' Jingle Bells.
Well, there's always next year.

-n.

Reading Between the Lyings: 4

Sat, 24 Dec 2005 21:35:58 GMT

"The president closed [his Oval Office speech] with words from "Christmas Bells," a carol written by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow during the Civil War that is known for its tone of desperation about the conflict. But rather than repeating the words from one particularly dark verse - 'And in despair I bowed my head; 'There is no peace on earth,' I said' - Mr. Bush chose to end with the carol's closing lines, 'God is not dead, nor does he sleep; the wrong shall fail, the right prevail, with peace on earth, good will to men.'

Bumiller, Elizabeth "Asking for Patience, Bush Cites Progress in Iraq" The New York Times December 19, 2005
[LINK]

some dumb erratum

Sat, 24 Dec 2005 04:25:17 GMT

"The Denver Daily News would like to offer a sincere apology for a typo in Wednesday's Town Talk regarding New Jersey's proposal to ban smoking in automobiles. It was not the author's intention to call New Jersey Jew Jersey.'"

The Extent of Liberty: A Rejoinder

Fri, 23 Dec 2005 05:00:40 GMT

NYT.com: WASHINGTON (AP) -- The Bush administration formally defended its domestic spying program in a letter to Congress late Thursday saying the nation's security outweighs privacy concerns of individuals who are monitored.
In a letter to the chairs of the House and Senate intelligence committees, the Justice Department said President Bush authorized electronic surveillance without first obtaining a warrant in an effort to thwart terrorist acts against the United States.
''There is undeniably an important and legitimate privacy interest at stake with respect to the activities described by the president,'' wrote Assistant Attorney General William E. Moschella. ''That must be balanced, however, against the government's compelling interest in the security of the nation.''

In other news, the hunt for the "enemies of freedom" was officially suspended today by a red-faced White House, which conceded that it had accidentally been hunting for itself all along.

-n.

Thank God: A Rejoinder

Fri, 23 Dec 2005 03:41:06 GMT

Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA), better known as a frothy mix of lube and fecal matter, has shed his umbilical bond with the Christian-rights crusading Thomas More Law Center (think "the ACLU's evil twin"), after the latter lost a case in which it defended the unholy union of science and fiction in the form of a Dover, PA former-school board's decision to inform their 9th grade biology class that not only is there *in fact* a God, but that he's really fucking pissed we're trying to figure out his secrets, and we sure as shit better quit trying. Santorum, previously a champion for all things make-believe, and an avid supporter of the Discovery Institute, whose leading demagogues represented the bulk of defense, ahem, experts in this non-Scopes-like ballyhoo, said following the trial that he "thought the Thomas More Law Center made a huge mistake in taking this case and in pushing this case to the extent they did[.]" No word however on why it took Tricky Rick until several hours after the race had finished to quit jockeying a lame dead horse.

-n.

Sun, 18 Dec 2005 22:49:59 GMT

Dreamt last night that Khalid Sheikh Mohammed was Dick Cheney's wife and he and I were racing around the streets of Tel Aviv Popeye Doyle-style in a Mario Go-Kart.
Basically your run-of-the-mill pleasant dream. But then we win, and Mohammed turns into a green fortune cookie with a message inside that says "you're fucking crazy."

Now I'm no expert on the symbolism of dream imagery, but I think that's pretty much spelled out.

It's off to the happy house for me.
-n.